Provincial Lady

L-l-love

2005-03-10T01:19:00.000-05:00

Llllove. Gin and tonic induced wonderful wonderful love.

Room is spinning. Going to sleep now.

Wow. He's amazing.

wow. I'm drunk.

good lord. I have to be at work in less then eight hours.

Good lord. I'm ten years older then him.

Well....

You only live once.

Crushed

2005-03-08T22:50:00.000-05:00

Crushed.

I am SO CRUSHED. I'm too old for this. Too. Old. For. This.

I love the freedom that cyberspace brings. I can yell this out and the echoes can bounce around as much as they darn well please. And 'aint no one here that knows who I am. So it's ok.

So today, when when my palms got all sweaty, when I couldn't - wouldn't look in a certain direction, at a certain person - I realized that, while it did indeed feel like I was in 6th grade again, that my best friend, sitting at a desk not far away was about to pass me a note on lined notebook paper, it was all an illusion. The headyness I was experience, difficulty concentrating, did I mention the ice cold hands? These were all by-products of the crush.

Apparently one is never too old for the crush. The completely body-freezing, mind-occupying crush. The totally Innappropriate crush. The, oh my g-d, how old are you?? Crush.

And when the desks dissolved and the conference table came into focus, and the meeting broke down into smaller groups, it came as no surprise to me that although my head was Screaming(SCREAMING) at me to do one thing, somehow I my body didn't obey and I found myself waving a limp goodbye from the elevator.

And just a few minutes later I was already thinking what I would have done differently if there could just be a rewind button. A do-over. But you only get do-overs in 6th grade. And his plane leaves tomorrow.

2004-07-15T16:37:00.000-04:00

You know what I hate?

When you're gynocologist calls and leaves you a vague and friendly sounding message on your answering machine at home, which you don't get until 4:30, in which she says she needs to talk to you about some "test results" and if you don't get to talk today she'll be out of town for a few days.

You are now in a state of fear and paranoia - already beginning to get tense about other, new and painful, akward tests you'll have to schedule soon only to find out that everything's fine, but sometimes test results just show up that way.

You call the doctor's office to find out that she's backed up with patients and the nurse says (sounding very doubtfull) "oh, yes, she'll get back to you, but not before 5pm". When? When??

Why can't she just leave said test results on answering machine? Why?

Do let it be noted that gynocologist is actually very nice doctor and lovely woman. Just hate these random and frightful messages.

2004-05-25T13:43:00.000-04:00

Anticipation

I'm not actually here. I'm not actually at work - in my office. I'm really in a cafe somehwere. It's early - probably only late in the afternoon, around four o'clock. But it's "before".
It's before anyone has come in. It's backstage time. Getting ready time.

The bartender is cleaning the bar with one of those amazingly absorbent white bar rags. He's putting the glasses away, making sure the well has
full bottles of everything, that he's got whatever freshly squeezed juice he needs to make
the cocktail the bar is known for.

A busboy in a black suit has taken off his jacket and is setting all the tray with the glasses
in it making a clinking sound as he carries it from table to table.

Up on the stage is the singer running through La Vie En Rose and she sings just for
me, the busboy, and the bartender. And she's good. She's so good that I just lean on hand
and smile, listening. Because I'm happy to be there. At this moment I don't want to be anywhere else.

2004-05-23T22:17:00.000-04:00

Apparently you don't need much to make a movie. Not that I've ever made one, a whole complete one that is, but I am trying. Here's what I've learned you need in order to make a movie.

The first thing a first time filmmaker needs is:
A completed movie.

YES, that's right. First time filmmakers need to have completed a prior work in order to ascertain funding. How COMPLETELY CRAZY is that?

Here's a rough transcript of a telephone conversation I had recently with a staffperson at a grant making organization.

Me: Hello?

Insane Grant Staff Person: Hello, ______ Foundation, may I help you?

Me: Hi, yes, thank you. I have a question about the application procedure for the __________ Grant. I notice on the application form it says that First Time Filmmakers can apply for this grant. Is that correct?

IGSP: Yes, we welcome applications from first time filmmakers.

Me: Oh good. Thank you. Actually - I have another question. I see that on page 3 of the application it specifies that a completed work must be submitted on video cued up to a ten minute of the piece. I'm a First Time Filmmaker so I don't have a previously completed work.

IGSP: [silence]

Me: Would it be ok for me to submit a sample reel of the project's film editor's work? He's worked on a number of projects before.

IGSP: No, the tape submitted has to come from the individual applying for the grant.

Me:Ok then, could I submit another type of documentary work, such as an interactive oral history project?

IGSP: No, you need to submit a completed work.

Me:But I'm a First Time Filmmaker. I don't have a previously completed work!

IGSP:Don't you have Something??

Me:No. I don't have anything. This will be my FIRST FILM. That's because I'm a First Time Filmmaker. I don't have a previously completed work because I'm a First Time Filmmaker. If I had a previously completed work I wouldn't be aFirst Time Filmmaker. Do you see?

IGSP: Hmm... Yes, I do understand. However, if you don't submit a previously completed work your application will be incomplete.

Me: [wildly] I can submit raw footage! Can I submit raw footage?

IGSP: Raw footage would be acceptable. The ________ Foundation has awarded grants to applicants before who have submitted raw footage.

Me: Ok, I'll submit raw footage!

IGSP: You do realize that the _________ Grant is very competitive?

Me: Yes. Thank you for your time. Good bye.

2004-05-23T22:11:00.000-04:00

The ice cream is too cold to be eaten. So I've put the mint chip on the counter and I'm waiting for the defrosing to begin.

It took three boxes of three ply tissues to fight my cold. My cold won. I feel like I've recovered but there's still something weird going on in my sinuses. I actually stayed up late the other night trying to figure out how my cold had escaped my head and made it all the way down into my stomach. It was not a pleasant evening. I finally understood all of those bad antacid ads from the 80s with middle aged men awake in the middle of the night holding their stomachs, groaning and picturing lava. That was me, except I'm not middle aged, male, or balding. I was groaning and holding my stomach.

None of this is at all exciting. Forgive me. The same bug that was hanging around my sinuses for so long is now attacking my powers of creativity.

2004-05-10T17:22:00.000-04:00

I have a sore throat.

How can I All of the Sudden, out of ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE, get a sore throat?

Are year old, maybe two year cough drops anygood?

2004-05-04T23:12:00.000-04:00

Drafted?

Number one I have had too much caffeine today.
Number two, what's this about the possibility of women being drafted?

Good lord!

This does not make a good combination for sleep.

2004-04-29T16:37:00.000-04:00

All the Other Countries are Laughing at Us

How silly is our president?

The answer:
SO silly!

All the other countries are laughing at us. No one is going to sit with us at lunch. No one is going to share their toys or be our partner.

Query: Why be afraid to have your closed door session transcribed, recorded, or under oath, unless you're really, Really worried about taking responsibility for your words and actions? Answer comes there none.

2004-04-28T15:56:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a good, good, good day. Not sure why - got to call an astrophysicist to arrange for an interview, picked up a sample reel to use for a proposal for a documentary, and finally found the shortest way in to the building where my internship is. Yay!

I also got to research an alien abduction case (internship - not for personal reasons of Any kind) and found it to be toally bizarre. Has anyway out there been abducted? I haven't. Wondering what it's like.

2004-04-27T14:11:00.000-04:00

Spring is Here
Spring has come to New York City.
Every day is beautiful (besides the rainy ones). The supermodel's heels click on the pavement. You hear the call of the wild bike messenger. You don't want to sit in your dark, dreary office and work. So, you leave....

2004-04-26T15:54:00.000-04:00

Life on the Porch

This weekend my best friend's mother got married. The reception was held at her house, not too far from the beach.

When I got there I realized that with the exception of my friend everyone was 30 years older than me. And even though I'm all grown up now, 31, I still felt like a kid. None of the "grown ups" wanted to talk to me. I was hungry and wanted to eat more chocolate chip cookies from the buffet than I felt would have been polite. I was thirsty, but because of feeling like a "kid" I started on ginger ale even though there was champaigne.

After an hour or so, I felt myself looking longingly outside at the porch. Again it was this kid thing. Here we were, on a beautiful, BEAUTIFUL day and all the adults were insisting on staying indoors. The AC might have even been on. And I was just standing there, feeling lonely, munching on a cookie and And yet, right outside the glass doors, the sun was shining, the wind was blowing, birds were flapping around, I couldn't tell if they were chirping because of the double glass doors. My feet were cold. No one wanted to talk to me. I didn't want to talk to them. I saw a 12 yearl old girl in grungy cut off army shorts push her way outside and plop down on a pool chair. Soon an white haired man joined her. He looked like he was singing to himself while he lay back and watched the breeze. I felt like, because of their ages, they were allowed to go out onto the porch. The girl was young, she really counted as an official kid. There was no one else her age at the party. The man, was older, he was an official adult. Therefore he could do whatever he wanted. He made the rules.

more later...

2004-04-22T21:18:00.000-04:00

A Date with Myself
Tonight I had a date with myself and the thing is - I had a good time. Scary? Good? Who knows. But I'm meeting myself for a nightcap in a few minutes.

I came home today, earlier, to an empty apartment, grabbed my walkman and went for a walk in the park. I watched all the kids playing baseball, watched people walking their dogs, tossing frisbees, etc.. It started to rain, but I made it in time to the roped off area where people let their dogs go swimming. The rain felt great, and hell, I had only myself to please. When it got a little heavier and colder I headed towards home, listening to the tunes coming through my headphones. Ran to the video place and grabbed Bread and Tulips which I've been wanting to see FOREVER and than to the deli where I picked up some Ben and Jerry's Vanilla Heath Bar Crunch. Got home, heated up some old, cold chinese food and popped in the DVD. Twas excellent. Now it's time for Paolo Conte and a gin and cranberry (out of tonic water and cannot be bothered to go out). It's Almost like being in Italy. And picking out a movie was easier by myself than with my boyfriend.

2004-04-22T12:37:00.000-04:00

Whatever happened to Chivalry?

I was just reading about fish's all too typical experience with those skinny, immature jackals who call themselves grown men.

Here's what I posted on her site:
Sometimes I have fantasies about walking up to the guys who say that stuff - grabbing a handful of their expensive shirts in my fist - slamming them up agaisnt a wall and then executing some amazing karate move on them. Then, when they're lying panting on the ground, I'll look down at them, tall and proud in my high heels and say "... and don't you EVER think about speaking like that to a lady again!".

Imagine - a world where women could flounce around in whatever we wanted, men would open doors, rain flowers and chocolates on us, AND we could still Kick Some Ass! *sigh*.

Someone Else IS Out There!

2004-04-22T01:54:00.000-04:00

Someone Else Is Out There!

It is so good to know that someone else is out there:

I'm not the only one. I'm NOT the only one. I'm not the ONLY one. I'm not the only ONE.

*sigh*.

2004-04-21T23:11:00.000-04:00

blcchh...

I'm so depressed. I am So de-pressed. I AM so depressed.

I'm so depressed.

possible rant to follow on behalf of women everywhere whose boyfriends have not yet grown up and show no signs of doing so in the near future.

Silly Things I Did Today

2004-04-21T22:41:00.001-04:00

Silly Things I did Today
1. Dropped a Maxi Pad
2. Missed my stop on the subway on the way home.

And both on the same subway ride! It's amazing. Just when I thought the day was over and I was safely on my way home I did something silly, and then, while musing on my goofy-ness I missed my stop. This of course made me start cursing out loud - or talking to myself - as far as the other passengers were concerned - and the woman sitting across from me just plain stared at me.

I was just sitting down, tired and happy to have a seat. I normally like to have a book to read during my daily transit experience, but I didn't so I pulled out a folded up copy of the Onion that I'd picked up while waiting in a line at lunch. As I whipped it out of my bag a big pink maxi-pad (super long with wings for night) went flying out of my bag like a big pink fish flopping around on the floor of the subway. I'm not the type of girl to be embarassed by sanitary supplies, but really, did I have to FLING the thing into the middle of a crowded subway train? Luckily I was able to react instantly rather than staring frozen in shame and without even blinking just picked it up and tucked it back away.

Oh. I also got chocolate all over my cell phone, but that's really my fault for putting a half eaten candy bar in the same pocket of my bag as my phone. All in all it was a great ride home.

I haven't wiped off the chocolate off my phone yet. I'm leaving it there: a. because I'm too tired to do anything about it and b. because tommorow when I wake up I'll think - boy yesterday sucked, I'm so glad it's today now and not yesterday any more!

Monday, April 19, 2004

Ok. I think here's what I'll do with my blog. I'll post immature, stupid, self-pitying rants.

*Warning*

If you do not want to read an immature, stupid, self-pitying rant then do not read on.

Rant officially begins here:
Why is it on beautiful spring days your boyfriend never thinks of spending time with you? Why is it that you're home alone - with your cat - if feline companionship counts - not even your roommates (one of whom you're not even that crazy about) are home? It's a beautiful spring evening and everyone else in the world is listening to beautiful music with their beautiful boyfriends/girlfriends/husbands/wives and you're home alone with your cat. Without even your roommates.

Why is this?

Why is it that your boyfriend lives in a building where there are so many parties and everyone else is so much younger? Why is it that you don't like this? Don't you like parties? Are you some sort of physicalized piece of unhappy-ness because you don't like going to those dumb parties in that dumb neighborhood where everyone is either 23 or 43 and newly divorced and trying to BE 23 again. Or at least just act like it. What's wrong with you? Why can't you just losen up and enjoy one of those stupid parties? Isn't it fun to watch 23 year olds getting drunk on a rooftop?

One of your boyfriend's roommates is over 40. This is scary. Why is this scary? Should this not be scary? Even typing this is scary.

Here's the big and important question: Are you going to die alone with a zillion cats? It's not actually the dying part that's scary - it's the boyfriend-husband empty - cat filled years before your death you're worrying about.