Provincial Lady

Llllove. Gin and tonic induced wonderful wonderful love.

Room is spinning. Going to sleep now.

Wow. He's amazing.


wow. I'm drunk.

good lord. I have to be at work in less then eight hours.

Good lord. I'm ten years older then him.

Well....

You only live once.

Crushed.

I am SO CRUSHED. I'm too old for this. Too. Old. For. This.

I love the freedom that cyberspace brings. I can yell this out and the echoes can bounce around as much as they darn well please. And 'aint no one here that knows who I am. So it's ok.

So today, when when my palms got all sweaty, when I couldn't - wouldn't look in a certain direction, at a certain person - I realized that, while it did indeed feel like I was in 6th grade again, that my best friend, sitting at a desk not far away was about to pass me a note on lined notebook paper, it was all an illusion. The headyness I was experience, difficulty concentrating, did I mention the ice cold hands? These were all by-products of the crush.

Apparently one is never too old for the crush. The completely body-freezing, mind-occupying crush. The totally Innappropriate crush. The, oh my g-d, how old are you?? Crush.

And when the desks dissolved and the conference table came into focus, and the meeting broke down into smaller groups, it came as no surprise to me that although my head was Screaming(SCREAMING) at me to do one thing, somehow I my body didn't obey and I found myself waving a limp goodbye from the elevator.

And just a few minutes later I was already thinking what I would have done differently if there could just be a rewind button. A do-over. But you only get do-overs in 6th grade. And his plane leaves tomorrow.

You know what I hate?

When you're gynocologist calls and leaves you a vague and friendly sounding message on your answering machine at home, which you don't get until 4:30, in which she says she needs to talk to you about some "test results" and if you don't get to talk today she'll be out of town for a few days.

You are now in a state of fear and paranoia - already beginning to get tense about other, new and painful, akward tests you'll have to schedule soon only to find out that everything's fine, but sometimes test results just show up that way.

You call the doctor's office to find out that she's backed up with patients and the nurse says (sounding very doubtfull) "oh, yes, she'll get back to you, but not before 5pm". When? When??

Why can't she just leave said test results on answering machine? Why?

Do let it be noted that gynocologist is actually very nice doctor and lovely woman. Just hate these random and frightful messages.

Anticipation

I'm not actually here. I'm not actually at work - in my office. I'm really in a cafe somehwere. It's early - probably only late in the afternoon, around four o'clock. But it's "before".
It's before anyone has come in. It's backstage time. Getting ready time.

The bartender is cleaning the bar with one of those amazingly absorbent white bar rags. He's putting the glasses away, making sure the well has
full bottles of everything, that he's got whatever freshly squeezed juice he needs to make
the cocktail the bar is known for.

A busboy in a black suit has taken off his jacket and is setting all the tray with the glasses
in it making a clinking sound as he carries it from table to table.

Up on the stage is the singer running through La Vie En Rose and she sings just for
me, the busboy, and the bartender. And she's good. She's so good that I just lean on hand
and smile, listening. Because I'm happy to be there. At this moment I don't want to be anywhere else.

Apparently you don't need much to make a movie. Not that I've ever made one, a whole complete one that is, but I am trying. Here's what I've learned you need in order to make a movie.

The first thing a first time filmmaker needs is:
A completed movie.

YES, that's right. First time filmmakers need to have completed a prior work in order to ascertain funding. How COMPLETELY CRAZY is that?

Here's a rough transcript of a telephone conversation I had recently with a staffperson at a grant making organization.

Me: Hello?

Insane Grant Staff Person: Hello, ______ Foundation, may I help you?

Me: Hi, yes, thank you. I have a question about the application procedure for the __________ Grant. I notice on the application form it says that First Time Filmmakers can apply for this grant. Is that correct?

IGSP: Yes, we welcome applications from first time filmmakers.

Me: Oh good. Thank you. Actually - I have another question. I see that on page 3 of the application it specifies that a completed work must be submitted on video cued up to a ten minute of the piece. I'm a First Time Filmmaker so I don't have a previously completed work.

IGSP: [silence]

Me: Would it be ok for me to submit a sample reel of the project's film editor's work? He's worked on a number of projects before.

IGSP: No, the tape submitted has to come from the individual applying for the grant.

Me:Ok then, could I submit another type of documentary work, such as an interactive oral history project?

IGSP: No, you need to submit a completed work.

Me:But I'm a First Time Filmmaker. I don't have a previously completed work!

IGSP:Don't you have Something??

Me:No. I don't have anything. This will be my FIRST FILM. That's because I'm a First Time Filmmaker. I don't have a previously completed work because I'm a First Time Filmmaker. If I had a previously completed work I wouldn't be aFirst Time Filmmaker. Do you see?

IGSP: Hmm... Yes, I do understand. However, if you don't submit a previously completed work your application will be incomplete.

Me: [wildly] I can submit raw footage! Can I submit raw footage?

IGSP: Raw footage would be acceptable. The ________ Foundation has awarded grants to applicants before who have submitted raw footage.

Me: Ok, I'll submit raw footage!

IGSP: You do realize that the _________ Grant is very competitive?

Me: Yes. Thank you for your time. Good bye.

The ice cream is too cold to be eaten. So I've put the mint chip on the counter and I'm waiting for the defrosing to begin.

It took three boxes of three ply tissues to fight my cold. My cold won. I feel like I've recovered but there's still something weird going on in my sinuses. I actually stayed up late the other night trying to figure out how my cold had escaped my head and made it all the way down into my stomach. It was not a pleasant evening. I finally understood all of those bad antacid ads from the 80s with middle aged men awake in the middle of the night holding their stomachs, groaning and picturing lava. That was me, except I'm not middle aged, male, or balding. I was groaning and holding my stomach.

None of this is at all exciting. Forgive me. The same bug that was hanging around my sinuses for so long is now attacking my powers of creativity.

I have a sore throat.

How can I All of the Sudden, out of ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE, get a sore throat?



Are year old, maybe two year cough drops anygood?

Drafted?

Number one I have had too much caffeine today.
Number two, what's this about the possibility of women being drafted?

Good lord!

This does not make a good combination for sleep.